The One with the Complexcity…

 

Humans are very complex mechanisms, we want so much and sometimes even trade wat we care abt most to get it. In the last week itself i began an adventure into the diffferent emotions and almost gave up on the one thing i had locked up so preciously.

I feel like its so easy to be swayed over when emotions run amock in our little fragile hearts. In the heat of the moment many things can happen that is beyond ur control, u only want… want and want.. and nothing else matters…

We look for something we’ve never seen, somewhere we’ve never been, its only human to wonder… and sometimes what we wonder about is something we are forbidden, which makes things more interesting, the rebel in us awakens and quietly whispers into our ears, as if a challenge is summoned…

And we, the simple human, can only oblige even more timidly at the expense of the thrill. So as we go on this thrill ride, what are we giving up? is it something that can be restored or something that you never cared for. Its so easy to want, but its never easy to be satisfied…

 

Now who can resist….. the complexcity of the human mind!

The One with The Other Me

When you stare into the mirror, do you like who you see? Is the person staring back at you, someone you wish to be? Is that person living the dream? The person who envision you will be? Someone you look up to, someone who at the end of the day makes you feel good?

Or do loathe that person? Do you refuse to stare into your reflection in fear? Does looking into the mirror reminds you of what could have been?

Our humans minds are thus  far more complex than we can ever imagine, with the power of thought we can change everything about ourselves, we could change our disposition, our mentality, our personality and even at an instantaneous moment, influence those around us.

I had the honor of putting that power into great use and i think even though around us there may be ppl who try to suck your energy around urself, keep these words in mind ‘ Life is good, life is simple’…

No doubt life poses challenges and hardships in our steps, but would we be who we were if we couldnt get thru them? Would be as strong and couragoes as we are? So unless we envision everything into a basic rhythm we will bound into endless wants… So take this moment and look around you and realise everything you have, eveyone you have, and how you got through those worst tides, and realise that in life all it matters is that YOU are happy. Do things that make you happy, look into the postive and let the negative ones drown into their own self pity…

Take one last look at the mirror and be proud of whos staring back at you….

 

The One with the Laspe in Memory

Its coming together, i realised that im finally learning to smile again.

Though i do keep having these strange dreams with babies in them, it must b my biological clock ticking…whatever it is, i realised something, i need to werk on a lot of things in my life, i need to declutter.

Sometimes i wish i had a persoal assistant to help me along, so many things are to be done, but left untouched.. seriously either i need good organizer, or i need to get my lazy ass moving…

Anyways, like i said, many a plans to get moving….. so i shld probably end this post and start doing something… Hmmmm

The one with the Loss

Its another Wednesday… its been a week, and things are still not looking up. I dread to face life everyday, it feels like a repeated slap on the face, its like ‘are u sure u wan this?’ ever single day, every single second.

I wake up thinking how I’m gonna get through this, how I’m losing myself and still move on like as per normal. I look at every other thing around me and it just makes it harder, makes life harder.

I know i somehow have to get over this, cause with all things comes resilience, a chance, to grow stronger and bolder and better then before. But i still cant do it. Its never easy to lose, its never easy to get nothing out of something, it pains like you wouldn’t believe.

Been trying to get my mind out of it, but i still cant, everthing means something. I need more time, i need to get away, i need to live, i need to do things for me, i need me time…….but mostly i just need you.

Hey look at me all whiny…heh…. okie okie… must move on…. things will get better…*slumps forehead onto desk*

The One with the Climb

 

Today was one of those days, long and overbearing. I have no answers but so many questions. I cant seem to quite placate whats happening around me. I just want that one thing i know i cant have.

My head hurts, my heart hurts and my life stinks. I just want this to be over. i wan things to be normal again. I wan to be the old me. The one who was strong enough to overcome so much more than this, the one who stood on her own two feet, the one i looked up to.

Not this shell, this empty being who cant decide wrong from right, the one who so badly messed up and suffers in silence. I cant be this girl anymore, it hurts to much.

The One who Shouldn’t be There

The morning is dull yet again, everthing seems like it was but just more pained. I cant seem to get out of bed like i used to, i’ve had dreams of you, and i wake up in the mid mornings figuring them out. It bothers me when i step out and all i can think of is you.

Just yesterday, walking along where we had our first official date was painful. Evertime i told myself to forget, id catch myself getting glimpses of how every simple thing u did bothered me. Like how u made me take that escalator before you, how u opened doors for me and how sometimes without realising you walk fast and slow down waiting for me to catch up..

The fact is that i miss you and even though i cant help it, i realise i must be the worlds biggest dork, cause i still cant see if i feel the way you do. Im still confused and i have a feeling thats just gonna be it. I wan it to stop.

I wan to stop missing you, seeing you, hearing you, thinking about you….Everthing i’d wish it would just stop.

The worst is when i catch my thoughts alone, then you just know some memory is gonna haunt you, and when you try ur best to divert, you become more focused and it strikes you so hard sometimes you wanna scream out loud.

It hurts everwhere….. *Make it stop*

The One With the Other Woman

‘Sorry i’ve been pretty busy at work lately and i missed talking to you.’ Wow… now that surely made my day….

I didn’t exactly know where i should start my converstion with him, i had that primary school girlish feeling all over me, the one where you wanted to giggle after every thing he said.  But i resisted.

‘So hows life?’ he asked

‘Same old same old’… Oh my god really?  why  cant i say something cool just once. Darn it.

‘How about you?’ i asked hoping he would start boosting my ego and talk about how he misses me…

‘Hmmmph wat can i say, im stuck between two girls at the moment.’ He said matter of factly.

‘HUH WHAT?’ trying my best at this very moment to sound interested yet not balsting with fury.

‘I dont exactly know how to explain this, but im in love with 2 girls, one whom i can connect and talk to about almost everyhthing with and the other a sweet inoocent girl who charms me in a way like no other.’

Ok so i did not see that coming at all. As he explained futher it seemed like every other word that came out of his mouth were like sharp daggers just shooting across my phone, aiming straight for my heart.

I knew i lost him years ago, but it didnt sink in till now.

The One Where I Couldnt Be Alone

Cont’d as requested;

The loud ringing grew as i stumbled across the bed in search of the nuisance of an alarm.

“What the……….”  for a moment i couldn’t even begin to tell apart reality from dream. I immediately jolted out of bed and scurried along, knowing that whatever events about to take place would just drag my time futher.

The day went as it normally would. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary, until i almost reached home. From the path i was walking i could see ever so clearly the place where i called home. It was dark, not unusual with both of my parents working. Somehow i felt like i just couldnt bear being alone for another night so i called Adam.

Within seconds of ringing, i felt a tinge of regret. ‘Shit, why did i have to call him of all people…’ i mumbled quietly. But as soon i spoke a shy and quiet ‘Hello’ was heard….

It sounded like i had just distubed his peace…’Errr hi, am i bothering you?’ i said in the intent that he could probably say no so that i wouldn’t  feel like a complete loser.

‘No, of course not….hmm i was wondering when you would finally call me.’ he said sheepishly. Ahh the voice i grew to love. How could i be so stupid to let him go.

‘Eh, everything ok?” he asked again for i had been so absorbed into my own thoughts to realise that i had completely forgotten that i was on the line with another human being.

‘Ya, i just wanted to talk thats all’….. Sadly that was the best excuse i could come with.

The One Where I Couldn’t Forget..

I remember like it happened just 2 minutes ago, how we sat on the steps and talked about the end of the road, u sat so silently, listening ever so intently to every word i was saying. Nodding ur head along, as if you completely understood me. The tears flowed down so easily to me, with every word i came up with, through each excuse i gave, u just listened.

I couldnt wrap my mind around the way u were acting, how u could be so calm, how u just gave in cause u didnt have a choice.

‘So, Goodbye then….’ i said as i slowly rose from the steps and turn to face you…

‘Ok, if this is what you want… Goodbye..’ He spoke so calmly i almost had to lean nearer just to make sure i heard that right.

As i walked along the road down form the steps where i just poured my heart out, i stumbled into a middle aged chinese lady with newspaper in hand…

‘Hey, sorry, but did u hear about this?’ she exclaimed, showing me the front page of the news…

‘Oh… yea..isn’t that very sad to hear’  i said, completely absorbed into the story that i obliviously forgot about the person i just left…The One who so patiently looked at me with those kind understanding eyes.

As i walked i realised that my heart grew heavier and very soon all i heard was intently loud ringing..

It was then i realised that it was already 5:30am in the morning and i was already late.

The One where i Start to Fade Away

it’s been awhile i must admit, for u know i usually write when i am at my utmost upset……

So as you’d have guessed, yes i was momentarily happy and then now my world just cme crashing down.. erk.. i dun mean to sound dramatic but i felt that was how i feel exactly.

You see my dear readers, all 1 of u (heh, thnks) though i know for a fact that in our lives we are the leaders, the conquerers, the all mighty one who makes all the final decisions, sometimes our surroundings force us to alter that, sometimes even to steer off course completely from what we intended to achieve.

I truly believe people around me care and can understand, but i feel like sometimes they need to hear me out, and even though i wish i could say certain things out loud, i know that im scared, im scared of hurting ppl, of disappointing ppl and most of all im scared of losing them.

But at the same time, i want to be happy, and to do that theres always someone who has to be disappointed…

Sometimes i wonder why some pple have it so straightforward, but when its me, it drags on for so long, and by the time i made my own decision, turns out they never wanted my opinion in the first place…

No words are huge enough to express the hurt, pain, the longing i feel.. but everday in front of u i have to pretend like it never happened.

Strange, i thought u would happy for me, but i guess again in my mind i must have imagined somebody else, cause i thought i knew u, but u’re nt that person i thought i knew.

Nevertheless, what done cant be undone.. and while life still goes on, that small scar would always be there… I’ll try my best to move on and carry on as it should have been….

‘” People run, sun to sun,
Caught in their lives ever flowing
Once begun, life goes till it’s gone
We have to go where it’s going
When you look at me
The reason you love life so
Though lost I have been
I find love again
And life just keeps on running “

Exerpt from ‘When u look at me’ by Celine Dion