The One where the cold kicks you in the ASS!

It almost feels like winter minus the ice and snow, the morning crowd draw many types of beautiful cold clothing around, the only time people tend to cover up. The crowd gets cozier snuggling up to each other in trains and buses and even walking hand in hand bodies pressed together.

It’s a season of love all around, with school being out and children appearing everywhere you go. You can’t help but feel a smile warming up when u see children spending precious time with their parents and siblings. It’s mostly a joyous time but yet if you look deep enough you might find all the sadness buried deep within.

Don’t ask me what’s up with that ok, im normally a somber mood kinda person and thus I love talking about pain and sadness. And somehow somewhere along the lines I always know its what motivates the writer in me.

As someone with personal experience, let me share with you what I’ve learned, love doesn’t always look rosy, and no it’s not like grabbing the stars, or what celine dion might make you believe. It’s utter damning pain, full of lies and betrayal.

So again don’t get me wrong, im not against it, but im letting you know what u might expect. They tell you things they know you wanna hear and sometimes when you’re not looking they rip it right out from your heart like it doesn’t matter. So yeah this is about when the pain kicks in.

Its like watching an autopsy, and you cut the person right there in front of you on the slab, you peel back the layers of skin to reveal all the organs in their full glory and then you slowly but carefully pick them out individually. You take a hack saw cut up the internal rib cage and the blood splatters all over your hospital gown and mask.

Jus like that, in all its glory you see it all happening right in front of you and you cant do a damn thing about it. Yet somehow there’s always a certain mystery to it. Something you just can’t figure out.

You know when you’re in love it seems like you’re invincible, almost immune. That’s why you never see it coming.

The One with the IMPENDING DOOM

Its been a hell of ride really, you know, when you’re up there you feel like nothing can bring you down, like you’re almost flying.

And then before you realise it something bumps into you and then you just zoom all the way down at free falling speed, breaking all your bones and leaving your guts in a glorified mess.

For so long, i just wanted something simple, something to hold on to, something to make me forget the pain, somthing i could hold so dear to my heart, but alas if it wasnt meant to be, then it was never mine to begin with.

But thing is, does something like that make you stronger or does it make you fear of wats coming…..IMPENDING DOOM…

Wat can i say.. except i told you so my dear dear heart, never let it rule over you. Stay in control, live your own. And kick some ass!

Bah!!!!!

The One with the big sword through my heart..

Finally after months into the year i can begin to close one door to my past and move on to a new one. I cant even begin to imagine how its gonna be. Its scary and exciting at the same time.

You know fate is a funny thing, just when you think you begin to accept the dreading loom, something magical happens and throws u off your feet and sweeps you into this mysterious world where you enjoy all the riches and finest of the world. Then just as you are getting comfortable, it comes again and pulls you down so hard, you can hear your spine crack.

Yeah fate sure is funny, in a sarcastic evil kinda way!

The One where The points dun Matter

The rain i think brings back a lot of bad memories for me, i cant help but feel helpless at times like this, i need to be reassured at all times that things will and should get better with time.

I miss days where i was alone in my thoughts and just had to worry abt getting thru simple issues like homewerk and research, i think i need more to occupy my time, alas there are several factors that contribute to that happening..

1)i would need more money…

More is a very vague word, i need much than more. this would greatly help in all activities i could plan to undertake my lifeless time.

2)i need to break free from my parents

i think im at that stage that if they dun see me for at least every 2 hours,  thery are afriad i would be dead.. (do understand i am exaggerating as much as i can)

3) i need to go back to goth

I think being goth for a while really helped me get to my dark side, and i think i shld at least be polite and revisit this area of my life…(think black)

4) i need to buy stuff

i remember that this used to make me very happy alas it also bring me back to point one….

So as a conclusion, ……….i have realised that i am sitting on top of a shitload of crap.

The one where emotions are played

Mother has a new regime now, she tries really hard to make me feel better, really hard. I think she’s showing me she understands in the most atypical of ways, like how she bought me chocolates, she doesn’t usually let me eat them, but she bought a whole box of ferrero and told me to eat it. Now if that isn’t love, I don’t know what is.

 

On the other hand, the mood around the house is still a little somber, I wonder if I look like I’m going to cry to dad, will he buy me an iphone? (What? It could happen!!).

 

I am trying very hard to take this one day at a time crap, but it’s really hard, I find myself getting angry at unpredictable times. And now its becoming more of a routine arrangement of emotion, its like, first I get really angry like betrayed and the emotions fire up and I began planning all the evil things I could do to that person, and then second emotion is the sadness, I began to go thru reasons why such things could happen and why the world is so unfair and all that crap..(You know what I mean!) and then the depression state, where you just give up and think I cant do this anymore I just want out, I cant go on..

      

Somehow I think its gonna be awhile before things get normal…. By then, the façade beg

The One where I Cried n cried

I dont’t know what to say, its a cruel game we all play, anytime u back out, it leaves a scar more deeper then the previous one.  Shusshing out the noises in my head hurts, looking at your disappointed faces repeatedly hurts.

Its so easy to get swayed away with ur beliefs when you get so hurt. I wonder how you stay so strong, i cant do this anymore. every part of me hurts. i cant think straight, everytime i get reminded i well up. i cant forgive anymore, i cant trust anymore. i dun noe how to go on from this.

i wish you were here mama, i wan you to wipe away my tears and tell me everything will be allright. i wan u to assure me i can move on from this, that i dun need anybody more than myself. why arent u here when i need you the most.

You were the only one who listened to me, the one who made me feel better everytime, its so unfair i wan to see u now, i wan u to comfort me in my time of need.i wan a reason to why im still here and you’re not. You missed so much of me mama. U missed my proudest day and the day i could tell you how things would be better, i missed so much time with you. No one could replace you in my heart. You are my teacher, my mentor, you took every trouble with patience and care, you turned out each scream with a soft whisper, i used to have a temper of a lion before you taught me otherwise. I just wish i could be like you.

Im so proud to know someone like you. Know in my heart you mean more to me then you can imagine. I miss you.

The One where i Cant Believe its True

i think if life kicks you down, you just have to bear with it. Cause it gets worse. Much worse.

I had great plans for the year ahead, i planted so much ideas, that seem so distant now.

I feel life has its own plans sometimes, like a challenge, a certain test. I thought for once i could regain this happiness, this new lease of life. But i think im wrong.

I know it gets tough sometimes, and even tougher at times, and all we need to do is just brace thru these clouds of grey and move on, hoping it will get clear someday.

And then we just look back and realise how small that problem was. I hope this is that, i wan to get over this. I wan this to be over, i wanna look back and smile.

I wanna achieve wat you think i cant, im gonna do whatever it takes to move on. 

I really hope things werk out. Im so tired…..

The One with the Complexcity…

 

Humans are very complex mechanisms, we want so much and sometimes even trade wat we care abt most to get it. In the last week itself i began an adventure into the diffferent emotions and almost gave up on the one thing i had locked up so preciously.

I feel like its so easy to be swayed over when emotions run amock in our little fragile hearts. In the heat of the moment many things can happen that is beyond ur control, u only want… want and want.. and nothing else matters…

We look for something we’ve never seen, somewhere we’ve never been, its only human to wonder… and sometimes what we wonder about is something we are forbidden, which makes things more interesting, the rebel in us awakens and quietly whispers into our ears, as if a challenge is summoned…

And we, the simple human, can only oblige even more timidly at the expense of the thrill. So as we go on this thrill ride, what are we giving up? is it something that can be restored or something that you never cared for. Its so easy to want, but its never easy to be satisfied…

 

Now who can resist….. the complexcity of the human mind!

The One with The Other Me

When you stare into the mirror, do you like who you see? Is the person staring back at you, someone you wish to be? Is that person living the dream? The person who envision you will be? Someone you look up to, someone who at the end of the day makes you feel good?

Or do loathe that person? Do you refuse to stare into your reflection in fear? Does looking into the mirror reminds you of what could have been?

Our humans minds are thus  far more complex than we can ever imagine, with the power of thought we can change everything about ourselves, we could change our disposition, our mentality, our personality and even at an instantaneous moment, influence those around us.

I had the honor of putting that power into great use and i think even though around us there may be ppl who try to suck your energy around urself, keep these words in mind ‘ Life is good, life is simple’…

No doubt life poses challenges and hardships in our steps, but would we be who we were if we couldnt get thru them? Would be as strong and couragoes as we are? So unless we envision everything into a basic rhythm we will bound into endless wants… So take this moment and look around you and realise everything you have, eveyone you have, and how you got through those worst tides, and realise that in life all it matters is that YOU are happy. Do things that make you happy, look into the postive and let the negative ones drown into their own self pity…

Take one last look at the mirror and be proud of whos staring back at you….

 

The One with the Laspe in Memory

Its coming together, i realised that im finally learning to smile again.

Though i do keep having these strange dreams with babies in them, it must b my biological clock ticking…whatever it is, i realised something, i need to werk on a lot of things in my life, i need to declutter.

Sometimes i wish i had a persoal assistant to help me along, so many things are to be done, but left untouched.. seriously either i need good organizer, or i need to get my lazy ass moving…

Anyways, like i said, many a plans to get moving….. so i shld probably end this post and start doing something… Hmmmm