All because of me…..

I broke myself last night. The whole day yesterday had me already in shambles, and when she said those words to me, i just fell apart. It took me about 15 minutes to think and as soon as that was done i broke down. Hard. I never thought i could be this fragile but what i never realised was, all i’ve been doin these few days was to pick some part of me and hate it.

The hate grew and finally i realised i had nothing else to pick on, i just basically hate everything about me. I know nobody’s perfect, and i realise that im not the type of person to keep dwelling on the past or hw im in such a rut. Im a live as it goes kinda person. But what i never realised was that all this while i had a raging war within me.

Sometimes i could say something and totally regret what i said, like i couldnt believe it just came out of my own mouth and that has been happening so often that i just kept hating myself that i did that. I looked around my room and i realised everything in it was someone i never lived up to. So i tore down everything, my graduation pics, my letters and my photos from my board.

Its like the song ‘Reflection’

“…..who is this girl i see staring straight back at me….”

Everything in my life has been a lie, i cant explain that cause then u’ll know what it is. But just everthing, i dun deserve love, i really don’t. Cause im so cold hearted. U see i cant believe i typed that but its true. I am. Why i dont know…..

All this while even though ive been a failure in everyone else’s eyes i couldnt care less. But now that i see it it for myself, i loathe the person that i am. Even if i could fool the world, i know i cant fool myself anymore.

” Because of me, you couldn’t see yourself,
   Because of me you never had time 
   Because of me you took long walks
   Because of me you had red rimmed eyes
   Because of me…… You’re Ashamed“

Quantum Physics

Today i have been screwing around! Hey……Get ur mind outta the gutter man! What i meant was that the upper secondary students are having their practical prelims and yes this thursday is their pure physics prac which im putting together and boy does it hurt.

I have been screwing this and that with wires all around me and voltmeters and resistors. And just for the record, i majored in chemistry in poly, and biology in uni but how the hell i ended up in physics i have no idea. I absolutely abhore physics la, i hate all the angle things and the resistance and the current things. But the shit is that i have to know these things so that when my students ask me about them i have to answer confidently without doubt so that i can look like god to them! Alas even knowing doesnt help me love the subject!!!!

 

And the students today are so pampered, everthing prepared from them right on the table, so they just take and of course being teens they will misuse and spoil the apparatus which i have to painstakingly repair and this goes on and on over and over again…. So yea sometimes i wonder y i am still in this shit hole but  all i know is once i get my degree im outta here… well 1 more year to go…  Hoping n waiting…..

My Jag

I think i found it… My favourite car, i’ve been looking for a perfect one ever since i watched Peyton Sawyer from One Tree Hill drive her 1963 Mercury Comet to the car from the Cardigans ‘My Favourite Game video’. And so it is with great pleasure i announce to u the car of my dreams, 1974 Jaguar E-Type Roadster

Yeah i absolutely love it, its so pretty, but alas my love doesnt exist in spore….. Well its just a dream….. Till we meet again in my dreams u sweet little thing you!

What Gals look For! (in a job)

There comes a point in every girls life that she trades in her goth-inspired tee for a more sophisticated, yet simple blouse with ruffles and laces. The trade off may not ring a bell, but i assume u know what i mean. The day when u decide to switch that sling back for a more prettified bag that matches all ur outfits (Just trying again here).

Well i can safely say that at ALMOST 24, im not even nearly getting there yet. Yea sure i do have em’ pretty thing that glitters, and shoes with inches i thought was impossible but i realised im not ready for that ultimate transition. Where u assume all u need are pretty things like suits that scream out the likes of Prada, and Gucci and Chanel…..

Hmmm not even close and im as glad as can b. Cause i somehow realised that im not relli looking forward to a day where makeup ceases to exist as an occasional treat as it is a bare minimum. But i wonder, do these women whom i see each morning to werk in their ‘Im dressed to kill’ outfits ever cry out in silence, like an inner child or even and inner girly teen ever feel the need to just be sloppy and nt worry hw each shirt would match her lipstick?

Hey what do i know after all i am in a job where makeup is never necessary cause it just drips out only an hour at the lab where there are lack of proper ventilation. And by proper ventilation i mean the AIR-CON. And im allowed to wear jeans ans slippers whenever i need to. So im pretty much contented.

Well there is a hitch though, like someone wise once said,

“With great power comes great responsbility”

im my mind, what that literally translates to is that with a great job, u get a damn well of a thing called a salary.

 And in reality, isn’t that all we’re looking for????

Disturbance in Thoughts

This week has been the worst week since my exams! Just cant seem to get any of the shopping that i need done. Hmm when ah when… Need to go town, need to shop for new shoes, new bag and new clothes and new makeup essentials.

As even depressed ppl have to live, i decided to paint a mural in my room this weekend, oh my im so excited… Just cant wait, i promise thou will get pics as soon as i snap them…. WEEE cant wait… hmmmmm 

Well seems like a full weekend planned, now all i need is to just hope and pray things work out and no more eruptions are expected on the weekend ahead….

Ok as most of u know, im nt that deep a person but nonetheless this writer has attempted to write a truly short poem on hw she currently feels. Somehow i think i love writing poems tooo…. Well another side of me revealed….

Attempted to write more but these lectures that are blasting thru the school speakers are disturbing my thoughts… Well till some other time then…..

Love is Fire

As i begin to take a next step into life, i cant help but feel im losing all i stood for. Why was it easy just to stand outside and judge but from the inside i cant even stand up on my own. When did the compromise happen, how did my heart and mind come to decision without my soul?

How did i lose myself, will i be paying the price for it in the future? Do i realise what im potentially setting up myself for?

A wise person once said,

Love is fire. But whether it’s gonna warm your heart or burn your house down you can never tell.

 Burns…. Hurts….. How appropriate huh! Why do we fall this easily, succumb to this feeling knowing we’re walking straight into a wall.. I seriously need someone to tell me why, why after so much we’ve gone thru its this easy to walk straight in and burn myself down….

Someone needs to get me a hose…….

The trouble with love is
It can tear you up inside
Make your heart believe a lie
It’s stronger then your pride
It doesn’t care how fast you fall
And you can’t refuse the call
See you’ve got no say at all

Every time I turn around
I think I’ve got it all figured out
My heart keeps calling
And I keep on falling
Over and over again
This set story always ends the same
Me standing in the pouring rain
It seems no matter what I do
It tears my heart in two