A day to match the Weather

I woke up to an extremely dark room… To my left i saw a faded green light blinking away furiously, the way traffic lights urged a sense of impatience…I had tolerated many nights being intruded with the lights that now it gave me a sense of familarity… knowing where i was…. It was still in the early hours and i could tell that i was already late for work…

So with that nagging feeling i dragged my now impatient self into the bath… It was a quick shower as i let my hands go auto pilot, while my mind wondered to the unfinshed setting i had to complete today…

Scrurrying past the kitchen i went to dress for werk, as i heard noises in the guest room…

As soon as i was covered, i left my door open… and true enough there she was….looking blankly at me.. Didnt know what to say i just mumbled ‘Man, im late for werk’ She walked away.

As i continued to get dressed, prep my face and so on, she kept walking back and forth from the kitchen to the guest bedroom… With an ocassional pop into my room, i suddenly felt more relaxed.

Switching off my bedroom light i went to the kitchen to get a drink and she followed close behind… ‘Wah its raining so heavily’ i exclaimed. ‘Hmmph’ she grunted and went back to the guest room….

i walked past the living room to the door and realised it was almost impossible to wear my heels today. so i decided to change in the office and went for my comfy sandals instead. As i gave her my hand to extend the traditional muslim respect ‘Ok im going ok’ she replied me ‘Mana? (where)’

‘Work la where else’…’Hmmmph’ she gruntled again and disappeared into the darkness of the room. i went out and suddenly felt a sense of warmth on my face… It was then i realised like the rain i was dripping too….

Being the Support of Someone you Love….

Depression is a word i could often identify with, though i somtimes felt it beared as an excuse for many things i was too coward to face to. But yest i had a rude awakening, you see.

Lets name this person X, X was an extremely outspoken person who in a way lit up a room with their usual antics and was an extremely expressive person.  and when i saw X again after about a week, i realised something wsa very wrong.

X did not eat, sleep or even talk, when X did respond all that was said was ‘there’s nothing wrong with me’…..

Me being the butt of many of X’s jokes and snide remarks felt a hole, i was suddenly shocked at the change of this person whom i thought wouldnt break as long as love was felt. Alas i was too soon to speak.

It seems that X, had a long nature of keeping bad things within itself, X never talked about feelings nor even suggested that X was feeling lonely/sad/betrayed. Thus after keeping all within X, it seems the nerve in the brain just snapped. And all we have is a zombie of a person who was once a life within life itself… I miss you X… Hope you get better real soon…. Just know im always here for u and i love you….

Haiz.. its so scary to think what our body is capable of doing to us, especially when we least expect it too, we live life as great as we can and in the end we get screwed bad…. Its so sudden like one minute so happy and the next minute so buzzed… X is lucky to have loved ones near to support when its needed most, i shudder to think of those without the structural support when its needed the most……

Black Monday

Its a monday and the blues are kicking it up a notch today, particularly since im sore form the run yesterday, but it felt good to see my peeps again. Much needed companionship is impt. Somehow me cannot wait for tmrw, Me just wants to sleep and eat chocolates but me remembers me pact and that me has to start training again really soon. Therefore now me is more tired…

ok i swear when i logged on i had like a bunch of things to write about but as the seconds tick by i think im losing it…. Oh my gawd, its like only 10:30am and i feel like the whole day had gone past… Man this is a slow day… aRGH… Racial Harmony my ass man!

Oh tdy its supposed to be racial harmony day and guess wat im in t shirt and jeans…kwa kwa kwa.. Like i give a damned… Nice to see the losers dressing up though… Haha

Seriously, my heads in a jam.. Will get back to this when certain intake in moderated…..

 

Toodles (what the hrll was that?)

 

hAIZZZ

Thoughtless Thursday!

Its a mundane thursday. the kind of thursdays that you just wanna slip into bed and wake  up to the weekend. Alas im already at werk. Dread work. Work if for losers… who need the the money… Haha

Sometimes i wish i was born into a super rich family then i wouldnt have to suffer the torments of working for someone and i sure as hell wouldnt have to work so hard at getting myself liked. Money does that to people.

But then again what if my dad’s multi million dollar business was sewage business? Oh yea that leaves me pretty much to stink… Hahaha i made a pun!

Anyhoos, my ultimate point is that we should have another day off, like an addition to the weekend, mayb we can call it Extraday…..and it comes like this Saturday,  Sunday… Haha cool wat…

Been watching some great sketches from this guy steven cragg, hes a writer from madtv and the sketches are real funny LOL… Check em out.. what a great way to spend a thoughtless thursday!

Why Hope isnt Worth Ur Time Anymore

“Hope is the worst of evils, for it prolongs the torments of man.”

                                                                                                 Friedrich Nietzsche

That is so true… Every single awaking  moment i have these days are filled with the utmost dread and unsatisfaction that i keep looking out for silver lining… Thing is i know that the future promises me a wonderful surprise, a prize beyond any other, a prize like giving a bunch of candy to a 3 yr old… well actually the same applies to me.. Anyway… just knowing that the future looks so good, i just cant keep denying the rut im in now… Haiz….

 

But thing is, what if it just looks good, and then u realise that it wasnt  what u had hoped at all, scarily not even close.. Aww man… Now this is the point where depression sinks in.. U suddenly realise that nothing is worth it in the damned world.. Its like everything you do just doesnt make sense anymore.. That all the wait wasnt worth it at all, and u get angry and someone happens to walk past and you just cant help it you start snapping at them.. and then they give you that what-did-i-do look. And you realise now much you really despise them and then you just wan to get away

So you sneak off somewhere where you can finally be alone and you shed a few tears, wallow in self pity, make it as if you life is in a total drama mode and weep until you gasp for air. After which u realise you need to get back to work and wipe off all the tears and pretend like everything is fine.

On the way home you buy yourslf a wonderfully delicious chocolate bar and as you begin to nibble on the deliciousness of the melting oozing chocolatey syrup with the caramel and the just right crunchiness of the hazelnuts, you just realise hey,

mayb there is hope after all……

 

Tuesdays with Gloom

Today is a tuesday and somehow i already imagine my self sitting on the overheard bridge with my legs dangling out just to watch the cars speed by… With the subtle softness of the winds blow caressing against the heated face that once dared to bold ahead… Its a wonder at times why you keep doing something just because of the familarity it has. not passion just the feeling of dread wash pass you as you put on a brave front and proceed with the battle you promised to fight…

Somehow after a long 24 years i feel like i lost myself.. lost to a world where i dont even know who i am anymore. Just waiting till the time comes for me to explde. to break free from the people who control my life, break free form burden and pain, just to live as i have in my head alone and brave. yet to face the world but with an attitude that promises brightness and happiness…To do as i love and love as i do… Ah love.. What a strange feeling it is to love…

Someone once said its better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all… But do i beg to differ…

Its painful to feel loved and not know how true it was, its painful when the love is gone, its painful when love is forced its painful when love is not reciprocated, its painful when love is lost… So painful..

But then its a high to be in love, to hold hands that make you flutter, to brush a small yet simple kiss and feel peace, to be held and cuddled to feel warmth to just love and let go… What a high…

Ah love…. What a wonder, a mystery bound with time…. something to behold….Like magic it comes and like a raven hungry with remorse it goes….

Oh how i long for my dream to come true.. Ah i just wish i knew how to break free….