The One where The points dun Matter

The rain i think brings back a lot of bad memories for me, i cant help but feel helpless at times like this, i need to be reassured at all times that things will and should get better with time.

I miss days where i was alone in my thoughts and just had to worry abt getting thru simple issues like homewerk and research, i think i need more to occupy my time, alas there are several factors that contribute to that happening..

1)i would need more money…

More is a very vague word, i need much than more. this would greatly help in all activities i could plan to undertake my lifeless time.

2)i need to break free from my parents

i think im at that stage that if they dun see me for at least every 2 hours,  thery are afriad i would be dead.. (do understand i am exaggerating as much as i can)

3) i need to go back to goth

I think being goth for a while really helped me get to my dark side, and i think i shld at least be polite and revisit this area of my life…(think black)

4) i need to buy stuff

i remember that this used to make me very happy alas it also bring me back to point one….

So as a conclusion, ……….i have realised that i am sitting on top of a shitload of crap.

The one where emotions are played

Mother has a new regime now, she tries really hard to make me feel better, really hard. I think she’s showing me she understands in the most atypical of ways, like how she bought me chocolates, she doesn’t usually let me eat them, but she bought a whole box of ferrero and told me to eat it. Now if that isn’t love, I don’t know what is.

 

On the other hand, the mood around the house is still a little somber, I wonder if I look like I’m going to cry to dad, will he buy me an iphone? (What? It could happen!!).

 

I am trying very hard to take this one day at a time crap, but it’s really hard, I find myself getting angry at unpredictable times. And now its becoming more of a routine arrangement of emotion, its like, first I get really angry like betrayed and the emotions fire up and I began planning all the evil things I could do to that person, and then second emotion is the sadness, I began to go thru reasons why such things could happen and why the world is so unfair and all that crap..(You know what I mean!) and then the depression state, where you just give up and think I cant do this anymore I just want out, I cant go on..

      

Somehow I think its gonna be awhile before things get normal…. By then, the façade beg

The One where I Cried n cried

I dont’t know what to say, its a cruel game we all play, anytime u back out, it leaves a scar more deeper then the previous one.  Shusshing out the noises in my head hurts, looking at your disappointed faces repeatedly hurts.

Its so easy to get swayed away with ur beliefs when you get so hurt. I wonder how you stay so strong, i cant do this anymore. every part of me hurts. i cant think straight, everytime i get reminded i well up. i cant forgive anymore, i cant trust anymore. i dun noe how to go on from this.

i wish you were here mama, i wan you to wipe away my tears and tell me everything will be allright. i wan u to assure me i can move on from this, that i dun need anybody more than myself. why arent u here when i need you the most.

You were the only one who listened to me, the one who made me feel better everytime, its so unfair i wan to see u now, i wan u to comfort me in my time of need.i wan a reason to why im still here and you’re not. You missed so much of me mama. U missed my proudest day and the day i could tell you how things would be better, i missed so much time with you. No one could replace you in my heart. You are my teacher, my mentor, you took every trouble with patience and care, you turned out each scream with a soft whisper, i used to have a temper of a lion before you taught me otherwise. I just wish i could be like you.

Im so proud to know someone like you. Know in my heart you mean more to me then you can imagine. I miss you.

The One where i Cant Believe its True

i think if life kicks you down, you just have to bear with it. Cause it gets worse. Much worse.

I had great plans for the year ahead, i planted so much ideas, that seem so distant now.

I feel life has its own plans sometimes, like a challenge, a certain test. I thought for once i could regain this happiness, this new lease of life. But i think im wrong.

I know it gets tough sometimes, and even tougher at times, and all we need to do is just brace thru these clouds of grey and move on, hoping it will get clear someday.

And then we just look back and realise how small that problem was. I hope this is that, i wan to get over this. I wan this to be over, i wanna look back and smile.

I wanna achieve wat you think i cant, im gonna do whatever it takes to move on. 

I really hope things werk out. Im so tired…..