The One with the Climb

 

Today was one of those days, long and overbearing. I have no answers but so many questions. I cant seem to quite placate whats happening around me. I just want that one thing i know i cant have.

My head hurts, my heart hurts and my life stinks. I just want this to be over. i wan things to be normal again. I wan to be the old me. The one who was strong enough to overcome so much more than this, the one who stood on her own two feet, the one i looked up to.

Not this shell, this empty being who cant decide wrong from right, the one who so badly messed up and suffers in silence. I cant be this girl anymore, it hurts to much.

The One who Shouldn’t be There

The morning is dull yet again, everthing seems like it was but just more pained. I cant seem to get out of bed like i used to, i’ve had dreams of you, and i wake up in the mid mornings figuring them out. It bothers me when i step out and all i can think of is you.

Just yesterday, walking along where we had our first official date was painful. Evertime i told myself to forget, id catch myself getting glimpses of how every simple thing u did bothered me. Like how u made me take that escalator before you, how u opened doors for me and how sometimes without realising you walk fast and slow down waiting for me to catch up..

The fact is that i miss you and even though i cant help it, i realise i must be the worlds biggest dork, cause i still cant see if i feel the way you do. Im still confused and i have a feeling thats just gonna be it. I wan it to stop.

I wan to stop missing you, seeing you, hearing you, thinking about you….Everthing i’d wish it would just stop.

The worst is when i catch my thoughts alone, then you just know some memory is gonna haunt you, and when you try ur best to divert, you become more focused and it strikes you so hard sometimes you wanna scream out loud.

It hurts everwhere….. *Make it stop*

The One With the Other Woman

‘Sorry i’ve been pretty busy at work lately and i missed talking to you.’ Wow… now that surely made my day….

I didn’t exactly know where i should start my converstion with him, i had that primary school girlish feeling all over me, the one where you wanted to giggle after every thing he said.  But i resisted.

‘So hows life?’ he asked

‘Same old same old’… Oh my god really?  why  cant i say something cool just once. Darn it.

‘How about you?’ i asked hoping he would start boosting my ego and talk about how he misses me…

‘Hmmmph wat can i say, im stuck between two girls at the moment.’ He said matter of factly.

‘HUH WHAT?’ trying my best at this very moment to sound interested yet not balsting with fury.

‘I dont exactly know how to explain this, but im in love with 2 girls, one whom i can connect and talk to about almost everyhthing with and the other a sweet inoocent girl who charms me in a way like no other.’

Ok so i did not see that coming at all. As he explained futher it seemed like every other word that came out of his mouth were like sharp daggers just shooting across my phone, aiming straight for my heart.

I knew i lost him years ago, but it didnt sink in till now.

The One Where I Couldnt Be Alone

Cont’d as requested;

The loud ringing grew as i stumbled across the bed in search of the nuisance of an alarm.

“What the……….”  for a moment i couldn’t even begin to tell apart reality from dream. I immediately jolted out of bed and scurried along, knowing that whatever events about to take place would just drag my time futher.

The day went as it normally would. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary, until i almost reached home. From the path i was walking i could see ever so clearly the place where i called home. It was dark, not unusual with both of my parents working. Somehow i felt like i just couldnt bear being alone for another night so i called Adam.

Within seconds of ringing, i felt a tinge of regret. ‘Shit, why did i have to call him of all people…’ i mumbled quietly. But as soon i spoke a shy and quiet ‘Hello’ was heard….

It sounded like i had just distubed his peace…’Errr hi, am i bothering you?’ i said in the intent that he could probably say no so that i wouldn’t  feel like a complete loser.

‘No, of course not….hmm i was wondering when you would finally call me.’ he said sheepishly. Ahh the voice i grew to love. How could i be so stupid to let him go.

‘Eh, everything ok?” he asked again for i had been so absorbed into my own thoughts to realise that i had completely forgotten that i was on the line with another human being.

‘Ya, i just wanted to talk thats all’….. Sadly that was the best excuse i could come with.

The One Where I Couldn’t Forget..

I remember like it happened just 2 minutes ago, how we sat on the steps and talked about the end of the road, u sat so silently, listening ever so intently to every word i was saying. Nodding ur head along, as if you completely understood me. The tears flowed down so easily to me, with every word i came up with, through each excuse i gave, u just listened.

I couldnt wrap my mind around the way u were acting, how u could be so calm, how u just gave in cause u didnt have a choice.

‘So, Goodbye then….’ i said as i slowly rose from the steps and turn to face you…

‘Ok, if this is what you want… Goodbye..’ He spoke so calmly i almost had to lean nearer just to make sure i heard that right.

As i walked along the road down form the steps where i just poured my heart out, i stumbled into a middle aged chinese lady with newspaper in hand…

‘Hey, sorry, but did u hear about this?’ she exclaimed, showing me the front page of the news…

‘Oh… yea..isn’t that very sad to hear’  i said, completely absorbed into the story that i obliviously forgot about the person i just left…The One who so patiently looked at me with those kind understanding eyes.

As i walked i realised that my heart grew heavier and very soon all i heard was intently loud ringing..

It was then i realised that it was already 5:30am in the morning and i was already late.

The One where i Start to Fade Away

it’s been awhile i must admit, for u know i usually write when i am at my utmost upset……

So as you’d have guessed, yes i was momentarily happy and then now my world just cme crashing down.. erk.. i dun mean to sound dramatic but i felt that was how i feel exactly.

You see my dear readers, all 1 of u (heh, thnks) though i know for a fact that in our lives we are the leaders, the conquerers, the all mighty one who makes all the final decisions, sometimes our surroundings force us to alter that, sometimes even to steer off course completely from what we intended to achieve.

I truly believe people around me care and can understand, but i feel like sometimes they need to hear me out, and even though i wish i could say certain things out loud, i know that im scared, im scared of hurting ppl, of disappointing ppl and most of all im scared of losing them.

But at the same time, i want to be happy, and to do that theres always someone who has to be disappointed…

Sometimes i wonder why some pple have it so straightforward, but when its me, it drags on for so long, and by the time i made my own decision, turns out they never wanted my opinion in the first place…

No words are huge enough to express the hurt, pain, the longing i feel.. but everday in front of u i have to pretend like it never happened.

Strange, i thought u would happy for me, but i guess again in my mind i must have imagined somebody else, cause i thought i knew u, but u’re nt that person i thought i knew.

Nevertheless, what done cant be undone.. and while life still goes on, that small scar would always be there… I’ll try my best to move on and carry on as it should have been….

‘” People run, sun to sun,
Caught in their lives ever flowing
Once begun, life goes till it’s gone
We have to go where it’s going
When you look at me
The reason you love life so
Though lost I have been
I find love again
And life just keeps on running “

Exerpt from ‘When u look at me’ by Celine Dion

The One with the Fairytale..

My earliest memory as a little girl was going to marina, with my aunt and uncle in their car, i remember weAring that frilly pink dress that got up to my knees. i remember the white socks with the lace so pretty i couldnt stop fidgeting with it. And most of all i remember the disney books we bought, Rapunzel, Beauty and the Beast and Snow White. My favourites….

I cant help but remember the thought of how it would be so wonderful to grow up and live a fairy tale myself. But we all know where thats brought me to….

For me life would always be that special, a gift just so i could cherish it, and at most times when im in between my parents, i see that girl….that girl with the pink dress kicking her legs away merrily…somehow contented…..

shes still there…at times reminding me that fairy tales are in ur head… and even though theres  no happily ever after….the most important part is HAPPILY…. and as long as i got both of u……. i will always be….

The One with the Romantic Plans

Conversation with mum yesterday,

Mum: Do you have any plans this sat?

Me: Erm….*thinks hard* oh… its valentines day, i cant make any plans

Mum: What? Why where are u going?

Me: *nonchalantly* im staying at home…..

Mum: what the #$%? *throws sofa pillow at me* …YOU BETTER WASH THE FISHTANK THIS SAT…… *grrr*

Moral of story: i will be washing my fish tank this sat…..

The One with the Hannibal Lector

I don’t know why but today i had to practically drag myself to work. You know when at the first sounds of the alarm you get groggy and go like ‘what the hell????’ and the u hit the snooze button a COUPLE of times and then an hour later u go like ‘Shit’ ………………and another hour later you go like ‘DAMN IT WORLD’….yea….

So that was today for me……

It’s not like i super hate my job, but i mean its not that i love it or anything, just merely maybe like, i mean its been three years and im practically keeping it ongoing for up till now so yeah….Like..not LOVE……hmmm so anyway yeah…. i dun hate the job, just the act of travelling to and from work is really the nasty part.

 

I mean come on,  a person is already dreading having to go to work and then u have those monsters on the MRT these days that just irritate the hell out of you.. Ok let me give u an example, just this morning there i was happily sitting away on a seat listening to my funky kinda music and merrily bobbing my head nonchalantly away and this rude assed mo%^e&f!c$er just stood in fornt of me and flapped out his big assed newspaper which was mind you like just 3cm away from my face….i mean come on have some courtesy will you, i kinda need to breathe dont you think…. and like that wasnt enough the moment i reach my station, there right outside the door stands a crowd of stupid moronic ppl who just stand there not giving way to alighting passengers and just standing there waiting for an empty train but come on..have some common sense will ya… dun crowd over the whole exit we need a way to get out dont we…. what really bugs me is that these are office suit clad ppl in branded wear from head to toe who are acting this way…

isnt sad to think that after much education we forget the simple things like putting others before urself or just to have a random act of kindness ot just be courteous….haiz…i digress….

 

I seriously dun blame murderers sometimes you know with this kinda rage that i have to face on a daily basis its some wonder why i haven turned freddy krueger on everyone just as yet……

 

Ppl are so lucky im easily faltered by pretty things and food….otherwise…. you guys might have another hannibal lector in ur hands…..I’ll call myself Intellectual Hannibal………

The One where she wrote a Poem (or so we thought)

Ok so the reason for this double post is that the other day i was stuck in a room full of kids to invigilate a class for their term test and anyone who knows me enuf wld know that i hate hate hate……LOATHEEEEEEEEEE…..invigilation so therefore i wrote a nice little poem….

Ehhhh well…i should mention that i dun really have a knack for this kinda thing..it’s never been my territory but anywhos u would understand that i was stuck in the classroom for a good solid 2 hours…. so that explains what ur gonna read next… whatever it is…..

 

 

‘In a room full of kids,

Makes me want to weep

Realising that im sweating beads,

My dignity i have to keep…..

 

Couldnt hold my anticipation for

me to run out of this invigilation,

Alli do is stare them down and

Yet they look at me and frown…..

 

Deciding to keep my salary,

Peseverance was my key,

Just another hour i had left

For time was my theft….

 

And so it ended well it seemed,

Cause i had about enough just before i screamed

That time had finally reached

For my track to finally screech……

 

Erm… well i kinda did warn you *ahem*